Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for June, 2013

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity- Søren Kierkegaard

forgivenessForgiveness of past hurts, pains and the injustice of past events in our lives can be difficult to process through. This can be especially true if we are feeling guilty or perhaps shameful of something we did in our past where we recognize the pain and suffering we inflicted on others.

One of the most difficult parts of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. It is typically much easier for people to forgive others for past offenses. They let it go and move on.  When it comes to self forgiveness it has to be approached from a different mindset. For comparison sake, when we forgive others we can let the problem remain with the other person. When it comes to ourselves we carry it with us everywhere we go, that is until we choose to let it go.

Letting go as a choice is easy in theory, actually doing it is another story. If the guilt of not letting go is carried long term it can manifest and turn into resentment, depression and anger. Finding the right tool to facilitate letting go is the key. Adopting a different mindset is a good technique. Adopting this technique is to challenge yourself by saying something such as “what am I benefiting from by hanging on to this?” Or, “What purpose does it serve to keep beating myself up with this guilt?”

The idea is to stop beating ourselves up. Give ourselves some slack and drop the resentment and guilt of past deeds. One last thing to try, if you were the one who was wronged by another person, what would you say to that person if they asked you for forgiveness? Would you grant it? If the answer is yes then ask yourself the same question of you. Grant yourself forgiveness, let it go, leave it in the past and move on. When we practice self forgiveness the end result is often peace, freedom and learning some self love and appreciation.

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

More about Brian M. Murray

http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/Page.brian.html

 

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Controlling Behavior in Relationships

Controlling Behavior in Relationships

Sometimes when getting married, people may unknowingly be getting involved with a controlling manipulator. Controlling people manipulate others seeking personal gain in return. It’s a power and control play. They manipulate their spouse, or significant other, into doing whatever it is they want. They do not invest time nurturing the relationship and do this by making everything all about them. It’s a toxic personality.

The controlling person often sees others as a way to serve them or to provide something for them. People are to be used. This type of behavior is often found beyond marriage extending into family and their workplace. People seeking power and position in the workplace are notorious for manipulating others. They lack empathy and absent of compassionate behavior toward their spouse, and usually toward others in general. They can, and often, are very charming at first, that is, until they don’t get their way. Once they don’t get their way this is when the controlling power tactics show up. The superficial charm didn’t work so now force, manipulation and coercion is used instead.

The manipulation is a system of power and control tactics used to control the marriage or relationship. Listed here are some common areas that a controlling person will use to manipulate.

  1. Threatening behavior and intimidation. Examples of this behavior include the use of hard looks (staring) and body postures (stern,rigid), yelling, throwing and smashing objects, showing weapons, punching walls and the destruction of other property. Threats to hurt other people the spouse cares about and at times may threaten to kill themselves to get others to respond to their demands.
  2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse. This includes name calling, constant criticism, correcting your comments, being humiliated or put down in front of others, insulting the spouse’s heritage and family, silent treatment and guilt trips.
  3. Extreme jealousy. attempts to control who their spouse hangs out with and keeps constant tabs where ever they go including constant calling and texting their phone. At work they may email them or call demanding their attention. The manipulator doesn’t want any other person in their lives for the basic reason they are jealous of others getting attention. Remember, to the manipulator it’s all about them.
  4. Using the children. This may include putting pressure to get pregnant, using the children to force the spouse to stay home, threaten to call the state for abuse or neglect, charming the children with gifts to put a negative spin on the other parent (known as “demonizing”, common in divorces).
  5. Money. This includes putting the other spouse on a tight budget, demanding information about how every dollar was spent, expecting favors in return for spending money on them, playing king or queen with the checkbook. Playing king or queen is about spending money on themselves but refuse to allow the other equal portion. This includes belittling the other by telling them they are not worth what they want to spend or they don’t deserve it.
  6. Gaslighting:  Gaslighting is quite possibly the most covert of all tactics. This is a non-clinical term used to describe a manipulator who tries to convince you that how you perceive a certain situation is not what it appears. In other words, your thinking is wrong and the intent is for you to question your won sensibility about a given situation. If gaslighting is done long and frequently enough the victim may even begin to question their own sanity. If you run into a person who gaslights chances are you dealing with the most extreme of all manipulators, usually on the narcissistic and sociopath line of thinkers. Don’t try to convince them of what they are doing, they won’t see it, and again, they will try to convince you that you are the one who is seeing it wrong. These are the crazy makers.

One thing to remember is that a person who is a manipulator in relationship is usually doing these things based on a deep rooted irrational fear of loss of control. Internally for the manipulator, it becomes a power struggle after the ego feels threatened and must take action against you to protect itself. This often when the abusive behaviors show up as indicated in the list.

Know When It’s Time To Get Out

Any time a relationship becomes physically or emotionally abusive it is time to get out. The emotional abuse, manipulation, power and control tactics are all warning signs that something is toxic. Common reasons people don’t leave a relationship, marriage, job etc. is because they feel helpless or powerless, or that the manipulator will actually carry out the threats.

Getting out requires planning, or restructuring of how you live your life. In the workplace it requires boundaries which will be discussed in another blog topic regarding Toxic Bosses. There are many resources available online or in the community that outline what is needed to create a safety plan if you find yourself in a dangerous marriage or relationship. Confronting a power controlling person can and often makes the situation worse. Getting out safely is the main goal…and keep it covert. Stealth is the name of the game when trying to get away from this type of person.

If you or someone you know may be in a marriage or relationship who has been manipulated in some way to the point they are afraid to reach out for help know that help is available. Below are some resource that can be very valuable.

http://www.resourcepoint.org/guides/guides_entry/domestic_violence_guide/

Hotlines and Helplines

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • Florida hotline:  1-800-621-4202 (TTY)

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: